Scene 5

(Spartan HERALD enters, being led by LAMPITO.)

LEADER (MEN): Look! Here comes the Spartan ambassador. Look at his beard, it’s like a bird’s nest. Hello, Spartan, how are you doing?

HERALD: Is not need for me to say, just for you to look.

LEADER (WOMEN): I see! Your problem seems to keep getting larger and larger.

HERALD: Is true. Is terrible! Must have peace now.

LEADER (MEN): I needed to walk around hunched over all the time, too. It looked as if I’d pulled a muscle in my groin.

(CINESIAS enters.)

CINESIAS: Where is Lysistrata? We need to find her right away!

LEADER (WOMEN): Look at him, they’re like twins, at least on their bottom halves.

LEADER (MEN): Did you wake up like that?

CINESIAS: I woke up like this, I slept like this, I went to sleep like this. I’m going so crazy with lust, even you’re starting to look pretty to me.

LEADER (MEN): You’d better be careful. If you keep walking around like that, someone may try to cut you short. Look at how many statues have had their penises chopped off.

CINESIAS: It’s true, by Zeus.

HERALD: Is true? Me need to hide mine, then.

CINESIAS: Greetings, my fellow sufferer. What brings you here?

HERALD: Me here for peace.

CINESIAS: Good, so am I. We’d better call for Lysistrata, then.

(LYSISTRATA enters, with CALONICE on one side and MYRRHINA on the other.)

LEADER (MEN): You don’t need to call for her. That’s her, right there.

LEADER (WOMEN): Hail, great leader!

CHORUS: We want Lysistrata!

LEADER (WOMEN): Hail gentle woman!

CHORUS: We want Lysistrata!

LEADER (WOMEN): Hail strict woman!

CHORUS: We want Lysistrata!

LEADER (WOMEN): Eloquent but not verbose, uncompromising but willing to negotiate, exacting but forgiving.

CHORUS: We want Lysistrata!

LEADER (WOMEN): Oh mighty lady, the men from throughout Greece have come to learn from you and have you lead them.

CHORUS: Lysistrata, Lysistrata, we want Lysistrata!

CALONICE: This will be easy. As long as they’re turned on, they’re not going to try to kill each other.

LYSISTRATA: May I introduce you all to Peace!

(PEACE walks out. She is a walking, naked statue.)

Bring me the Spartan ambassador. But don’t be rough with him, as our husbands were with us. Bring him here gently, like a woman. If he won’t give you his hand, take whatever’s sticking out. Bring me the Athenian ambassador, too, the same way if necessary. Now listen to me, everyone. I may be just a woman, but I have common sense, brains, judgment, and good schooling. And I blame you both for what has been happening. We are of the same Greek blood. We worship at the same altars and share a common history. Yet all we’ve been done is kill each other, while the barbarians outside of Greece wait to attack us.

CALONICE: So you’re both in the wrong.

CINESIAS: Oh, my penis hurts so much!

LYSISTRATA: This next part, I am going to address to you, Spartans. Do you remember how you came to us and asked for aid after your earthquake, and how we sent an army of men to assist you in your time of crisis? And now, after we’ve helped you, you have turned on us, attacking those who were your allies.

CINESIAS: That’s right, Lysistrata, they’re definitely at fault.

HERALD: Yes, is wrong. Peace has nice ass.

LYSISTRATA: And now I’m going to talk to you, Athenians. Do you remember how, when a tyrant had enslaved the whole of Athens, the Spartans came to our aid? In just one day, they rescued us and restored our democracy!

CINESIAS: She does have a nice ass!

HERALD: Yes, she beautiful!

LYSISTRATA: With such a history of friendship, how can you fight each other so fiercely now? Why can’t you just make peace?

HERALD: Yes, peace okay, just give us back the double rounded hills.

LYSISTRATA: Which hills?

HERALD: The ones behind our city.

CINESIAS: No, by Poseidon, you can’t have that!

LYSISTRATA: Oh let them have it.

CINESIAS: Then what do we get?

LYSISTRATA: Ask for something in return.

CINESIAS: We want the mountains in front, and the great gulf below, and the wooded place around it. And also the connecting legs.

HERALD: He want everything. Is too much!

LYSISTRATA: Don’t squabble over details. Give him the legs.

CINESIAS: Fine. Let’s just strip down then and get to work. Those fields need ploughing!

HERALD: Me work on other side.

LYSISTRATA: Yes, you’ll do all that, once the treaty has been signed. You had better consult your allies, don’t you think?

CINESIAS: Our allies? There’s no time for delay. I’m sure they’ll agree.

HERALD: Yes, ours too, is certain.

CINESIAS: We just want to start the fucking.

LYSISTRATA: Wise words. Let’s go inside then, where we’ll prepare a feast. You can make your oaths and sign your treaties then. And afterwards, you can go home with your wives.

CINESIAS: Come on, be quick.

HERALD: Me come, real fast.

CINESIAS: Yes, quickly.

(They all go into the Acropolis.)

© Edward Einhorn 2015